Friday, May 1, 2009

time for some changes...

**disclaimer--the things I am mentioning in this post are not mentioned to brag, but just to write down my history and kind of as an outlet for me. I am a changed person because of the Sacrifice of Christ on the Cross at Calvery.**

I have been struggling with depression for years. For the past 2 years, it has been tougher to handle. I am now trying to forgive myself and others. It is a lot tougher process than I thought. I think I have been in cope mode/fix it mode(yep Mindy, i was listening and I believe you were right.)

I don't really know what they are going to be, but, I know they are needed.
I have had a rough few months.

I expect a lot of myself and in talking it out with Mindy(my therapist), I realize the expectations I set for myself are too much. I want to be able to do it all for the six people in my family as well as my church family. I just can't do that.

I will be taking a leave from my job for the summer(this was already happening because, well, I have 5 kids and childcare is WAY expensive). I will continue with my ministry. i am going to figure out a way to make some real me time. Be it scrap booking, photo taking or editing, sewing things for my home, redecorating, reading, etc.

Really what I want is to really find me. I am not really sure I know who Becca is. That may not make sense to anyone else but to me.
hmmm, let's see. I don't remember most of my childhood and a lot of things I do remember are not good memories. My step dad died in Oct '85 when I was 13. That year is a big blur. I remember weird things, but not big stuff. I remember the Cats production from the high school coming to the middle school for a performance...the first time I met Chad.
I married Chad 15 days after I graduated from high school. We had dated on and off since I was a freshman. My junior and senior year we were mostly steady. I secretly struggled with bulimia during high school-I come from a family that is mostly obese. Chad and I were married 4 years and divorced. He had gone to the Gulf war and we just struggled trying to make it work when he came home. (He is now married to a gal we went to school with and has 2 adorable children and is 'almost' as happy as I am)
I was engaged to a couple of guys during the next two years before moving to the east coast to live with a friend. I worked at American Eagle as a manager in Va. Beach and there I met Jonathon. We met and were married within 2 weeks. He left a few weeks later for a 6 month deployment and our married sailed out to sea with him. When he came back, we seperated in 2 months. He was abusive and just plain mean. I didn't see that one coming.
I changed jobs and went to work for and import/export company based in Croatia. I was so happy. I dated a lot. I partied a lot. I was just living to have fun. I met Daniel May 1997 in a country bar. He was 20, in the Navy and engaged to a girl from Mississippi. We became very good friends. We talked on the phone for hours. He knew all about my past. He called me Labor Day weekend and said he was taking her home, they had broken up(not because of me, she was cheating on him, he found out). We made plans to go out when he got back...but, I started dating a guy and so for the next month, we just talked on the phone. Chad come to my home in VA to visit me and really wanted to make a go of it, but I just couldn't. too many memories to do that. The next week, Daniel and I went on our first date(Oct 9). We went to a concert. Daniel drove me home where we talked all night-until I fell asleep and he left to go back to the ship for duty. He never made it to the ship. he rolled his truck on the way back. He called me from the hospital where I picked him up. I felt so bad. I remember him saying to me that the only thing that stayed in his truck was his Bible.(at the time, that didn't mean anything to me, now I know that God was with him)He had a concussion, so we decided he should come to my place so I could wake him up, because his room mate was not going to do that. That was October 10. He never left. He ended up moving in. I had just moved into my own apartment for the very first time. We were happy. At Thanksgiving I got really sick and was told I would never be able to have children. Dec 5th, he proposed. I said yes. I had a drinking problem. I drank a lot. Late Dec, he told me it was either him or the drinking. I quit that day. In Feb, we found out we were expecting-what a shock for someone who couldn't have children! We had a few struggles during the next few months in our relationship-I was a tad emotional and irrational. In the end, we ended up moving to Mississippi where he was from and moved the fall wedding up to July. the minister who was going to perform the ceremony wanted us to do premarital classes. Really? I had been married 2x and knew what to expect. I did it for Daniel becuase it was his families church. I went in with a lot of attitude. I raked the guy(Brother Chris)over the coals. it was mean. I look back and shudder. He made us meet everyweek. By the last week, I really needed to know the God they were teaching me Words from and I asked Christ to forgive me and into my heart. I gave my very huge, messy, pregnant, unmarried self to Him. I left that room with so much hope for my future. For the future of the boy I was carrying. We were married that Sat-July 25 and I was baptized July 26(i am sure it was quite a sight-I was huge and pregnant!!). Dawson was born Oct 7th-two days shy of our first date.
I, with that one decision, changed the heritage of the children we would be bringing into our lives. I wouldn't change a second of it. i am thankful that my Savior is a fogiving, loving, patient, Awesome God!
In the past almost 11 years, I have tried to be everything for my husband and kids. I may not have always been, but I did try. In that, I seem to have lost me. I just dont' really know what I like and enjoy. Selfish? I don't think so. i think as I struggle to find what I really like and enjoy, it makes it harder for me to be the wife and mother I have been striving for. I am searching God's Word and my heart. As Mindy said to me and it hit hard, I KNOW I am forgiven, but i can't seem to forgive myself. I can't forgive others if I can't forgive myself. i just want to be able to move past all the saddness from my past-childhood/marriages/bad realationships/friendships-I mean really move past it. Please pray that I will be able to find me in this time.

I hope to change the way I see myself and see myself more through Christ's eyes. I hope to really know what style clothes I like, have my own style to decorate our home, have a desire to be healthier...just a few things that have crossed my mind...not an all inclusive list, but just a few thoughts.

It's almost like spring cleaning and not really a lot of fun! But, I know I will be a better person for it. I hope as I do it, people will be able to see Christ in me more.

1 comment:

The"MS"Dornsx4 said...

Awwh Becca, your latest blog was moving and very inspirational.
I felt as if I were actually listening to you are a gem!
We miss you all!