Saturday, January 30, 2010

Adoption Day!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Wow, I can't believe it is here!

I can remember sitting in the theater to watch a movie with my sister(tho one that used to be in front of 15th street Walmart)and feeling her kick for the first time.

I remember being there when she was born. Her beauty took my breath away.
She would stay with Chad(ex husband)and I.
I REMEMBER telling her on the first night she stayed with us as an infant, "Sweet little one, I wish you were mine. I want to be your mommy."
Now, that wish is a reality.
I am truly amazed at the young woman I see emerging before my eyes.
She has taught me that you CAN overcome.
You can change the way people see you.
I remember sitting in Chick-fil-a when I got the call.
wondering if this was good for our family.
I was not prepared for a teenager, but jumped in with both feet.
She sure did test me at times-like the day I had cereal and milk dripping from my hair.
She tested in major ways...I believe she was scared to death we would leave her and she wanted to do it first. Sounds a bit like me. people who don't know us, think I am her birth mother(or sister when I go to the high school).
We have so many of the same mannerisms it is a bit scary!
Today, I become her official mommy.
I have no question that she is my child. I just hope that I can love her, teach her, help her be the very best she can be in the future. I will mess up, no doubt. I hope she can learn from me what unconditional love is. I hope she holds tight and lives life in a major way. There is no limit.
Izzabella-Rose I am so proud that you call me 'Mom'. Thank you for all you have taught me, have yet to teach me, all the inbetween. I wouldn't be the Mom I am today without you. I can't promise you life will be easy now, but I can promise that I will love you forever, no matter what. We have had a tough year and I know we can make it through anything that comes our way. I am here for you, no matter what. I love you.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

breaking down the walls...

when you have built them up for years-even when you didn't know you were doing it-is very tough. I am learning so much about myself...some I like, some, not so much.
I like that I am an open book and have no hidden agendas.
I am amazed that I have the ability to be the parent I want to be most of the time.
I like that I am surrounded by a great group of women who love me just for who I am.

I don't so much like change...not in a little way, in a very big way.
I tend to 'freak' out with making decisions-even where to go for dinner, but more importantly, life decisions are hard. I worry about who I hurt-past, present, future and it stays with me.
I don't like being told I need to do.............fill in the blank. I want to make my own decisions even if I mess up, it is my mess up. I want my past to make me a better person today. Not just be my past.

I like to talk, really, really like to talk...for hours. about everything and nothing. just talk. I want to really be heard, not just listened to. I want my feelings to be understood. I understand I change them a lot. It is a major coping mechanism I use to keep my walls up and not be hurt-again.

I would like to take a road trip just for fun, no plans, just go and see what you can find.
I love to go to drive thru windows and get Dt Dr Pepper, but I only like to go to places that have Styrofoam cups, not the plastic or paper ones. I am a picky eater...I have eaten more different food because Jill forced me to, but I am glad, because some of it I really love.
I love to sit at the pool and watch my kids play while I soak up the sun! I always feel better about myself when I have a tan...but, you will never catch my chubby body in a bikini(um, 4 c sections)I will stick to my 'mama' suits as the boys call them, you know, a little skirt with a cute tank :o) I used to be ashamed of my body-um, ok, I still am-but, I can run my fingers over the stretch marks and remember carrying all 4 of my kiddos and it makes it worth every single one of them.

I do not like flowers, they die and what a waste of money that is. I figure that money could be used for something else. plus, I have a black thumb.

I have gotten stuck in ruts with my hair, I love it long, but I get terrible headaches. I like it shorter, but I can't pull it up and I think it makes my face look fatter...

I am doing the "Breaking Free" study currently and wow, I now know why I have stayed away from it for so long. Dealing with the things that keep us captive is much harder than I thought...or maybe I just have a lot I need to deal with. either way, I plug along. I do it. I hope I become a better person because of it.

this may really make no sense and be all over the place, but it was on my mind yesterday as I walked and thought. I saw a crazy black and white striped bird...maybe it made me think about the fact that the world sees black and white. I like to see colors...but, our world has become so, I don't know, just black and white. Like, it is this way or that. anyway...

Monday, January 18, 2010


I have issues with trust.
I know that.
I learned not to trust at a very young age.
that is who I don't trust.
they hurt me from the time I was young.
in ways I may never know.
then I trusted without thinking.
it happened, my trust was again broken.
I don't know why this is.
I think about how I was raised,
to believe I am not worth it, not pretty enough, not smart enough.
lots of not enough's.
I want to believe the good in people, but I struggle.
When I push away, maybe I want a good push back.
I want to be fought for.
I want to know that it is real.
that I am worth it.
that I am lovable.
that I make your world better,
without me, you are empty.

it may not make sense, but this is how at this very moment I feel.
I know that I will get better-I am working on it.
I just want to open my heart and let you in,
but there is a wall that I can't seem to break down.
Help me.

I am doing the study "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore and even though she promised it won't kill me, I am not so sure! wow, it will be a tough 11 weeks! I have so many things to learn. I am ready to do it, if for no other reason than to learn about my Father, who loves me regardless and for Him, I am enough. So thankful for that! I couldn't weather this storm with out Him.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Depression hurts.
I am sad, I wanna sleep all the time.
I wanna wake up from what feels like a long nightmare.
I can't.

Friday, January 15, 2010


So, I have just been busy being a mom, helping my mom.
I have been trying to get things final for the adoption...almost there.

I have been reading so many blogs, talking about a word for the year.
My word, and I have thought about this A LOT, is going to be....


in my home, my heart, my life.
important things first, the things that matter.
the little things that can wait, will.
I want to be the best I can be, the Woman that God has created in me.
I want to be aware of His presence each and every day, every moment He gives me.
The Path He chooses I KNOW is better than what I would choose for me.
I have a long way to go and lot to learn.
I have many things I could say I am sorry for.
I have made mistakes that have hurt others and myself.
Believe me when I say I am sorry.
I am human, I will make more mistakes.
Love me in spite of them, because of them.
Help me to become the person God sees in me.
I want to use 2010 to really grow and learn.
I want to learn to forgive.
those who hurt me intentionally and those who didn't realize they were doing it.
I want to work through my past where I hold hurt, shame, guilt.
It will not be easy, I know.
I have friends and family who will stay by me and who will pray with me.
I want to learn(and retain)this year.

I want to really learn how to use my camera,
start scrapbooking again,
make some adorable bows,
maybe even bake some.

I just want to be able to be the best me I can be and I know that starts with order.