Wednesday, January 20, 2010

breaking down the walls...

when you have built them up for years-even when you didn't know you were doing it-is very tough. I am learning so much about myself...some I like, some, not so much.
I like that I am an open book and have no hidden agendas.
I am amazed that I have the ability to be the parent I want to be most of the time.
I like that I am surrounded by a great group of women who love me just for who I am.

I don't so much like change...not in a little way, in a very big way.
I tend to 'freak' out with making decisions-even where to go for dinner, but more importantly, life decisions are hard. I worry about who I hurt-past, present, future and it stays with me.
I don't like being told I need to do.............fill in the blank. I want to make my own decisions even if I mess up, it is my mess up. I want my past to make me a better person today. Not just be my past.

I like to talk, really, really like to talk...for hours. about everything and nothing. just talk. I want to really be heard, not just listened to. I want my feelings to be understood. I understand I change them a lot. It is a major coping mechanism I use to keep my walls up and not be hurt-again.

I would like to take a road trip just for fun, no plans, just go and see what you can find.
I love to go to drive thru windows and get Dt Dr Pepper, but I only like to go to places that have Styrofoam cups, not the plastic or paper ones. I am a picky eater...I have eaten more different food because Jill forced me to, but I am glad, because some of it I really love.
I love to sit at the pool and watch my kids play while I soak up the sun! I always feel better about myself when I have a tan...but, you will never catch my chubby body in a bikini(um, 4 c sections)I will stick to my 'mama' suits as the boys call them, you know, a little skirt with a cute tank :o) I used to be ashamed of my body-um, ok, I still am-but, I can run my fingers over the stretch marks and remember carrying all 4 of my kiddos and it makes it worth every single one of them.

I do not like flowers, they die and what a waste of money that is. I figure that money could be used for something else. plus, I have a black thumb.

I have gotten stuck in ruts with my hair, I love it long, but I get terrible headaches. I like it shorter, but I can't pull it up and I think it makes my face look fatter...

I am doing the "Breaking Free" study currently and wow, I now know why I have stayed away from it for so long. Dealing with the things that keep us captive is much harder than I thought...or maybe I just have a lot I need to deal with. either way, I plug along. I do it. I hope I become a better person because of it.

this may really make no sense and be all over the place, but it was on my mind yesterday as I walked and thought. I saw a crazy black and white striped bird...maybe it made me think about the fact that the world sees black and white. I like to see colors...but, our world has become so, I don't know, just black and white. Like, it is this way or that. anyway...

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