time for some changes...

**disclaimer--the things I am mentioning in this post are not mentioned to brag, but just to write down my history and kind of as an outlet for me. I am a changed person because of the Sacrifice of Christ on the Cross at Calvery.**

I have been struggling with depression for years. For the past 2 years, it has been tougher to handle. I am now trying to forgive myself and others. It is a lot tougher process than I thought. I think I have been in cope mode/fix it mode(yep Mindy, i was listening and I believe you were right.)

I don't really know what they are going to be, but, I know they are needed.
I have had a rough few months.

I expect a lot of myself and in talking it out with Mindy(my therapist), I realize the expectations I set for myself are too much. I want to be able to do it all for the six people in my family as well as my church family. I just can't do that.

I will be taking a leave from my job for the summer(this was already happening because, well, I have 5 kids and childcare is WAY expensive). I will continue with my ministry. i am going to figure out a way to make some real me time. Be it scrap booking, photo taking or editing, sewing things for my home, redecorating, reading, etc.

Really what I want is to really find me. I am not really sure I know who Becca is. That may not make sense to anyone else but to me.
hmmm, let's see. I don't remember most of my childhood and a lot of things I do remember are not good memories. My step dad died in Oct '85 when I was 13. That year is a big blur. I remember weird things, but not big stuff. I remember the Cats production from the high school coming to the middle school for a performance...the first time I met Chad.
I married Chad 15 days after I graduated from high school. We had dated on and off since I was a freshman. My junior and senior year we were mostly steady. I secretly struggled with bulimia during high school-I come from a family that is mostly obese. Chad and I were married 4 years and divorced. He had gone to the Gulf war and we just struggled trying to make it work when he came home. (He is now married to a gal we went to school with and has 2 adorable children and is 'almost' as happy as I am)
I was engaged to a couple of guys during the next two years before moving to the east coast to live with a friend. I worked at American Eagle as a manager in Va. Beach and there I met Jonathon. We met and were married within 2 weeks. He left a few weeks later for a 6 month deployment and our married sailed out to sea with him. When he came back, we seperated in 2 months. He was abusive and just plain mean. I didn't see that one coming.
I changed jobs and went to work for and import/export company based in Croatia. I was so happy. I dated a lot. I partied a lot. I was just living to have fun. I met Daniel May 1997 in a country bar. He was 20, in the Navy and engaged to a girl from Mississippi. We became very good friends. We talked on the phone for hours. He knew all about my past. He called me Labor Day weekend and said he was taking her home, they had broken up(not because of me, she was cheating on him, he found out). We made plans to go out when he got back...but, I started dating a guy and so for the next month, we just talked on the phone. Chad come to my home in VA to visit me and really wanted to make a go of it, but I just couldn't. too many memories to do that. The next week, Daniel and I went on our first date(Oct 9). We went to a concert. Daniel drove me home where we talked all night-until I fell asleep and he left to go back to the ship for duty. He never made it to the ship. he rolled his truck on the way back. He called me from the hospital where I picked him up. I felt so bad. I remember him saying to me that the only thing that stayed in his truck was his Bible.(at the time, that didn't mean anything to me, now I know that God was with him)He had a concussion, so we decided he should come to my place so I could wake him up, because his room mate was not going to do that. That was October 10. He never left. He ended up moving in. I had just moved into my own apartment for the very first time. We were happy. At Thanksgiving I got really sick and was told I would never be able to have children. Dec 5th, he proposed. I said yes. I had a drinking problem. I drank a lot. Late Dec, he told me it was either him or the drinking. I quit that day. In Feb, we found out we were expecting-what a shock for someone who couldn't have children! We had a few struggles during the next few months in our relationship-I was a tad emotional and irrational. In the end, we ended up moving to Mississippi where he was from and moved the fall wedding up to July. the minister who was going to perform the ceremony wanted us to do premarital classes. Really? I had been married 2x and knew what to expect. I did it for Daniel becuase it was his families church. I went in with a lot of attitude. I raked the guy(Brother Chris)over the coals. it was mean. I look back and shudder. He made us meet everyweek. By the last week, I really needed to know the God they were teaching me Words from and I asked Christ to forgive me and into my heart. I gave my very huge, messy, pregnant, unmarried self to Him. I left that room with so much hope for my future. For the future of the boy I was carrying. We were married that Sat-July 25 and I was baptized July 26(i am sure it was quite a sight-I was huge and pregnant!!). Dawson was born Oct 7th-two days shy of our first date.
I, with that one decision, changed the heritage of the children we would be bringing into our lives. I wouldn't change a second of it. i am thankful that my Savior is a fogiving, loving, patient, Awesome God!
In the past almost 11 years, I have tried to be everything for my husband and kids. I may not have always been, but I did try. In that, I seem to have lost me. I just dont' really know what I like and enjoy. Selfish? I don't think so. i think as I struggle to find what I really like and enjoy, it makes it harder for me to be the wife and mother I have been striving for. I am searching God's Word and my heart. As Mindy said to me and it hit hard, I KNOW I am forgiven, but i can't seem to forgive myself. I can't forgive others if I can't forgive myself. i just want to be able to move past all the saddness from my past-childhood/marriages/bad realationships/friendships-I mean really move past it. Please pray that I will be able to find me in this time.

I hope to change the way I see myself and see myself more through Christ's eyes. I hope to really know what style clothes I like, have my own style to decorate our home, have a desire to be healthier...just a few things that have crossed my mind...not an all inclusive list, but just a few thoughts.

It's almost like spring cleaning and not really a lot of fun! But, I know I will be a better person for it. I hope as I do it, people will be able to see Christ in me more.

Favor

I am still in shock at the favor that the school showed to Sammy today. We had a meeting about her IEP. They feel that her decisions about the medications were in direct correlation to her IEP. So, she even gets to make up her work from the time she has been suspended at a value of 70% for that work! She will be in one classroom all day the rest of the year. She lost trust so she lost the ability to pass between classes. They also suggested that she only bring a purse and not a back pack, so as not to hide things in it. I am overwhlemed that she will not have to repeat her 10th grade year and she will be able to salvage all but one class.
I have been so tired lately and I don't know why that is. I have not had a change in my medicine and I am able to fall asleep just fine. I wake up and still feel so very tired. I have wondered if it is just emotions. I pray I will start being less tired than I have been.
Boys have their first baseball game tonight at 8pm. I am very excited. I can't wait to take a bunch of pictures and then edit them.
I think I am going to go and pluck my eye brows and rewash my hair. Fun times.

Teen trouble and my baby turns 4!!

Why is being the parent of a teenager so hard? We have really had a rough week or so. I recieved a phone call that Sammy was being arrested on Friday a week ago. She was trading/selling prescription medications. Trading for cigarettes mostly. She just quit taking her meds and would hide them from us and then a girl at school said she could make money selling them and so here we are. She said she never thought she would get caught. Teens think they are invincible and they are not. I don't remember things being so easy to get when I was in school. I don't remember asking for anything as much as I heard that so and so was doing drugs. We have a meeting with the principal on Tuesday and then a disiplinary meeting on Thursday to see if/how long she will be expelled for. We think it will be 180 days. She is currently on a ten day suspension. As well as house arrest until our court date, July 7. that means she can not be anywhere without Daniel or myself unless we have someone stay with her. It has not been fun so far, because I have to take her everywhere with me since he is working all day. No lunch dates with friends and such. It is going to be a long few months. We can make it and we won't give up on her. That is what parents do, they stick by their kids through thick and thin. We pray. We hope that she will make better decisons after all of this.

Piper turned 4 on Sat! I just can't even believe how fast the past year has flown by!! She is writing her own name and know how to count in Spanish and is just as sweet and sassy as ever!

I am still working through the other thing I was dealing with. I have good days and I have bad days, but I am blessed to be the child of a Father who knows how to help me in every way when i am willing to ask.

Anyway, I had been absent so much, I thought I should touch base...

heartache

i am broken and hurting. I have not enough words. i can't express what I really want to right now.

satan has attacked. he hit me head on.

Please pray that I will be able to rest in God.
Pray for healing.
Restoration.
rest.
a time of growth
I will make it through this, it may take a while, but i know deep in my heart that God will be with me every step of the way. It wont' be easy.
Please respect my desire to not discuss what is hurting.
You are all my friends and I love you deeply, but I am going to be obedient to God and His will for this situation.
Pray.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

caves and such

Went to Fantastic Cavers with Dawson's class today and it was a lot of fun. We went in the cave and got to see so many cool formations. Dawson held my hand the entire time-I will cherish that since I know the day may come when he will no longer do that in front of all his friends. There were a few scary moments-our school bus driver got stuck in a part where you walk back and you have to get real low. He used to be paralized(we later found out) and had a hard time getting down that low. i was really getting nervous that he was going to knock himself out because he was having a hard time getting low enough. I had to ask a dad in the group to help me get him out, it was really a team effort.
I have not done near what I planned with the blog the past month and a half. I am trying. it is just really hard to find time where I don't feel guilty for doing it. Working on that as well....

Mom is about the same, hurting and such. I love her so much and days like today when she just cries are really hard. There is nothing I can do to help her. Pray.

This weekend we have Elevate and I still have to find sitters for the kids...ugh.

In April, I am going on my annual retreat with a couple of friends and this year I am taking Sammy with me...theme is I am a Princess-My Father is the King of Kings. I think it will be a lot of fun...

well, kids want dinner, so I better get the french toast made!!

another one(or two) bites the dust

my sick girls. I feel so very bad for them. They both have the flu! I had big hopes that it was just a good old cold. no such luck.
Mom had her heart cath yesterday and did great. No heart issues, so back to square one.
I just wanted to get a quick post here, I am not doing so hot on updating on a regular basis.
The boys got haircuts this afternoon...they look great.
I am ready for summer.

More of the same...

I sit here with my family running around my house...playing Wii, singing, showering. Just being. I have really been struggling just taking care of day to day stuff. i can't seem to get it all done. Mom has several appts a week, as does Samantha, plus girls to preschool, working 2 days, shopping for food, keeping up house...I just don't feel like I am doing anything 100% and that really frustrates me. I think everyone else seems to have it way more together than I do. I can't get motivated when I am home because I really want to just sit and not do anything. but I need to do things, because well, they tend to pile up if I don't do them. I don't want Daniel to feel like he has to do them after working all day to provide. I make the kids do chores, but I still have things to do. I want to lose weight, be healthy, but that requires even more time and energy that I dont' have. I have to remind myself, that God has a bigger plan for me that I can not see and just to be patient. hmm, well, i need to make our late lunch(we all at ea late breakfast and that works just fine because with Church tonight, we will eat a late dinner.)